Demi live at iHeartRadio (14/4/2014)

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posted 1 day ago with 583 notes  catchmes)

Biggest plot twist

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posted 1 day ago with 396,835 notes  4gifs)

drucila616:

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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posted 1 day ago with 566,935 notes  pandaaamonium14)

kushandwizdom:

Good Vibes HERE

posted 1 day ago with 7,431 notes  kushandwizdom)

dankens:

dankens:

"you’re only a kid, u have nothing to be depressed abou-"

image

(via intentional-or-not)

posted 1 day ago with 14,733 notes  dankens)

meladoodle:

prosecutorblackquill:

what if u woke up and ur fav fictional character was snuggled next to u and they were like “good morning”

nemo.. you cant be here.. your dad will be worried sick

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posted 1 day ago with 404,095 notes  anticrystalist)

itssexualhour:

i had sex with this guy and afterwards i high fived him and said “excellent work!” in a really cheesy voice and he stared at me for a good 10 seconds like ‘what the fuck is wrong with u’ 

(via intentional-or-not)

posted 1 day ago with 4,130 notes  itssexualhour)

andrysb24:

ermahgerdkerfer:

Damn, this girl was prepared.

Best babysitter

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posted 1 day ago with 88,835 notes  ermahgerdkerfer)

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posted 1 day ago with 3,315 notes  em-li)

xokrista:

electriclady-land:

LA billboards giving out life lessons.

I saw this the other day and wish I snagged a picture of it. I’m so glad to see it on my dash. It’s perfect.

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posted 1 day ago with 69,838 notes  electriclady-land)

bakrua:

wearitasawormstach:

tall:

pocketpinya:

boomette:

look at that guy on the left he is so photogenic i bet there is a stock photo of him laughing with a salad

image

fixed that for you

oh my god i found the post that started it all

oh my god my blog is now complete

this is an ancient relic

(via sashaf-ierce)

posted 1 day ago with 477,975 notes  boomette)

gr8eva:

my self esteem has two levels

  1. im a worthless piece of shit who deserves no love
  2. bow down before bitches i am your queen

(via keendrugs)

posted 1 day ago with 322,123 notes  gr8eva)

soul-ution:

prefaced by: I used to have goals and aspirations… I used to leave my house and socialize…

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posted 1 day ago with 449,960 notes  w-ildfl0wers)

vonmunsterr:

glorychildren:

NO PHOTOSET HAS MADE ME HAPPIER.

this is my favourite thing on the internet

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posted 5 days ago with 719,208 notes  iraffiruse)

4gifs:

Sniper prank (illegal, don’t try this at home).

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posted 5 days ago with 240,821 notes  4gifs)